I recently had a vision in that space between awake and asleep. It was raining outside, the first rain of the season and I wasn't sleeping. I imagined I was a drop of rain running down the window, dripping onto the ground, sinking into the earth and filtering ever downward across the hilly landscape until I arrived at the stream.
I slipped through the edge and into the water. At first, I floated here and there in the water and then the stream emptied into a small river, filled with rocks. In the summer the river moves slowly, meandering around rocks and corners. When the rains come, the water becomes more agitated, crashing into rocks and sliding up the edges of the stream to overtake the grasses, shrubs, and trees along the edge.
I found myself crashing along the edge. But instead of being fearful, I was bouncing up into the air and then falling back into the water, running along the edges of the stream and back into the air as I'd hit a rock or root. Eventually, the small river emptied into a larger river. I moved along slow and steady, ever moving forward. Then the large river emptied into the ocean.
I could sink into the depths or I could rise to the top and roll into the shore on a wave, crashing into the sands, turning into foam as oxygen permeated my dropness. I was whole and complete in all the phases of the journey. There was no fear or angst, just surrender to what was.
My life seems to run in line with that drop of water except without the grace. There is so much chaos going on in my world. I often feel I am rolling along the top of the overwhelm. Then one more thing happens and I drop into the deeps, crashing along, feeling like I'm drowning. I fight my way to the top with absolute determination.
And so this day, I pray
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference."
~ Reinhold Niebuhr
Grant me the serenity to accept my husband's renovation of our home and all the mess and chaos that goes with it. Serenity to accept my son's crime and subsequent death by suicide. Serenity to accept my mom's failing health and pending death. Courage to claim my boundaries as I need, and to claim the time I need for refueling. Wisdom to hold my tongue and stay in that space of loving and support that she needs so deeply right now. And, wisdom to know when my husband needs me. It's a lot to balance. God grant me strength.