I am recovering from a urinary tract infection. While I was reading articles deciding how I wanted to treat the infection, I found several referring to the emotional state of being "pissed off" and how it may be related to the infection. At first I thought I really wasn't angry about anything and moved on to other articles.
But, this morning, all of the anger has surfaced and I wonder which piece or pieces may have contributed to the infection...
- Is it being 50 years old and under-employed? This month marks a year since my employer told me they were downsizing my job. They were kind and kept my hours at 20 so they could pay my insurance, but that also means working at minimum wage. That's quite a drop from my income when I was running a mortgage department for a large credit union. And, now, I am resorting to applying for other near minimum wage jobs doing things I haven't done since my early 20's.
- Is it the absolute silence from my 26 year old son? I'm not sure why he doesn't want anything to do with his family. We've always been loving and supportive through the toughest of times but all of a sudden he has cut all ties. The last time I saw him he made a statement about if someone doesn't reply to his communications after a couple attempts from him, he figures he doesn't need them in his life. He was referring to another family member who wasn't good at replying to his efforts to contact them. But, was he also asking for distance as I tried to contact him later and he didn't reply? I assume some day he will be back in our lives but meanwhile, I miss him terribly and I move between sorrow at the loss and angerat his insensitivity.
- Is it the undertone that seems to have developed in the relationship with my significant other (often referred to as my husband)? Maybe it's my guilty conscious about not working but it seems he's frustrated at the hours he's having to work to take care of us. There are just little comments when he's tired that set off the flags in my mind. And, of course, that takes me back to the first issue.
- Is it the hundreds of little things that happen every day? The person in traffic going slower than everyone else who I'm stuck behind. Or, the cat wrapping itself around my legs when I'm trying to do too many things at once. Or, the cigarette smoke and loud car stereo of the new neighbors. I try to think of them as my kids (about the same age) but some days I'm more tolerant than others. Or, is it every time I turn on the news and read about some other way our tax money is being spent to bail out someone while we "regular folk" continue to struggle. And, yes, I voted for the current party in power. I suspect similar things would be happening no matter who was in power regardless of the banter from the "other" party.
I could go on and on but I'll stop. You see, normally I am a fairly peaceful person and I have worked hard to put kindness and gentleness first in my life. They make me happier and the world around me is happier when I keep my focus. But, are the other things I try not to focus on but remain just under the surface affecting my overall health and well-being. I'd say from the recent bladder infection, the answer is likely yes. And, so today, I name them in hopes I can somehow embrace them and move on in peace and health.