I feel this desire for stillness today. I had difficulty sitting in meditation and yet here I am at the computer and can almost slip off into that quiet meditative state. How does one find stillness in a life-filled day? Moments. That's my only answer. 

I think of the places in my life I have found stillness or quiet when I most needed it. When I worked for a large credit union, I would take my break outside, walking around the building. It was a few moments of solitude in a long busy day. 

I committed to myself I was going to write something every day. I didn't make it public because I know my track record. Today is day two and I'm blank. It's painfully funny to be in my own face.

Wind blows
whispering secrets
outside my window
Wake up, listen
there is work to be done
Watch the leaves
scampering across the grass
going to their final resting place
amidst the trees in the ravine
there they will return
to Mama Earth
there they will feed
the next generation
Feel the change in the air
no longer moist and heavy
now dry
almost a sense
of an electrical charge
clasps at my sinuses
making me aware
of every in drawn breath
Wake up 
to the world around
There is so much more

To find me, take the path along the creek on the south side of the road you travel. You'll have to seek out the path. It goes through a patch of brambles of fear and doubt and self-hatred. Sometimes, the path seems completely hidden by brambles. 

What is holding me back?
Me
I am holding me back
believing the voices in my head
the nonsensical things they teach
I'm not enough
people don't like me
there's something
inherently flawed about me
people look at me and point
and laugh and know
know what, you ask
you know
i'm that one 
the one who runs away
when the going gets tough
i'm that one
the one who dresses weird
and has crazy hair
and that damned wolf's tail
swaying under my dress
i'm different
different isn't good

Writing into the wild one 
hear the crackling
walls falling
popping of old structures
burning to the ground
Long deep throaty hollers
Wild - running free
swirling, oh the swirling
round and round and round
until I fall down laughing
out loud and free
Ha, that's it
the times I feel like getting in a car
and leaving, driving down the road
ending wherever I land
It's the wild one saying
I've had enough
No more of this restrained perfection
Let go of the fucking perfection
I'd write litanies to the poor fools

Healing
layers upon layers
rising above the waters
falling back down
spinning in circles
always motion
sometimes swimming backwards
on occasion peaking
above the clouds
Healing
it's a journey
a choice to move forward
a letting go
a picking up
turning over and over
chewing on it for a while
finding its true flavor
then sending it off 
in a wisp of smoke
Healing
it's never ending
our human condition
found
only in a moment
of absolute surrender
the jewel of clarity

If I look into your eyes
you might see the truth
the truth about who I am
about where I've been
what I've created
If I look into your eyes
you would see a woman
tired, beaten by life
holding on 
for what, she's not sure
If I look into your eyes
tears would erupt
the tears of pain and grief
of lost opportunities
of failed attempts
If I look into your eyes
and still saw love
the tears would flow
in unending rivers
washing the debris away
If I look into your eyes
and you saw beauty

I recently had a vision in that space between awake and asleep. It was raining outside, the first rain of the season and I wasn't sleeping. I imagined I was a drop of rain running down the window, dripping onto the ground, sinking into the earth and filtering ever downward across the hilly landscape until I arrived at the stream. 

Love is gentle and kind
nurturing and supportive
Love is boundaries
and discipline
and loving expectations
Love is forgiving
Love is being willing
to know the story 
underneath the story
Love is understanding
Love is partnership
and limits and compromise
Love is its own force
sometimes carrying us to places
we never knew existed
Love is complicated
Love is a choice and a commitment
Love, lasting love, changes you
burns away selfishness
requires surrender to something greater
Love creates its own space