Hey You!
Yes, You!
Has anyone told you lately
how beautiful you are
how the light shines
just so through your eyes
how your smile
lights up the room
how your presence
makes us feel safe
like everything 
is going to be okay
You are perfect
just the way you are
you don't need some
new beauty regimen
or a big exercise program
you just need to be you
love yourself
like you love others
put down the hammer
and pick up the feather
gently stroke your cheek
softness, it opens more doors

Some days I love the idea of escape. Just run off and leave all the complicated stuff behind. Don't look back and keep on moving. I tried taking off for a day a couple times, years ago. I found when I got to the beach, I couldn't sit still. It didn't solve any of the problems I was trying to run away from. I quit trying to escape.

I woke at 2:00 this morning with a dream.

I was driving a car at night down a highway. It was a smooth peaceful ride and then I came to a corner. As I moved into the corner, the car kept going straight. I grabbed tighter but still wasn't making the turn. I looked down and realized I held onto the gear shift with my right hand and the door handle with my left. I moved my hands to the steering wheel and tried to make the corner as I spun into the gravel. The dream seemed to end there though I was left with the impression of seeing myself land in the trees of the forest.

I sit in vigil
as my Mom 
lies in the next room
waiting for death
to carry her away
from her failing body
Two and a half years ago
I sat with family
as we set my son's remains
deep into the earth
it has been a period
of deep grieving
and swift change
within our family
What have I rebuilt?
After my son's death
I took a deep dive
into the depths of my soul
looking for clues
feeling the misery
of failed parenting
lack in building a man
who could survive
the gales of living

Superpowers.
This is how I see it today -
I was once told
I am the sand in the oyster 
that makes the pearl
I see it as simply pushing 
for what I see as right -
and that can make
others uncomfortable
I can guide and encourage 
and kick butt when needed
I do what needs to be done
whether it's easy or not
I am a lioness for my family
bottom line -
don't fuck with them.
I learn fast and solve problems
I'm creative -
molding earth or plants or words
I find the Divine all around me

The wild one
the untamed one
the one who is most at home in nature
the one who loves to play in the soil
tending sweet plants
the one who runs to a tree
when life becomes too much
She's really good at hiding
staying tucked just around the corner
You can't be changed 
if they can't see you
When you least expect it
she rises up and speaks her truth
swings her tail in the middle
of your neat and tidy life
shoving aside the pretense
opening the door for fresh air
You can't tame her
no matter how hard you try

These things I hold true-
The sun will rise every day
Family comes first
All. Life. is Sacred.
Absolute honesty is best
Life is a journey
Some things will break you
you can be put back together again
but you'll be different than before
Spirituality is not a religion
it is a way of living
put love first
be kind, not right
be present
do what is right in front of you to be done
if you think you know the answer, think again
Loving another human being takes work
it's not all sweet songs and fireworks
it's daily attention

This morning, about 12:30 am, my mom called me to her bed. She asked me to climb inside the covers with her. It's a small bed and I wouldn't fit so I laid on top as near as I could, holding her. A small voice in my head was all about going back to my own bed and sleep but I laid there and let her talk.

Dying
moments of remembering
stories to be told
over and over and over
new details arising
with each telling
pain and itching
time spent in the garden
admiring the blooming
and the buzzing
and the changing colors
nerves firing intermittently
a sharp mind 
gone over to the world
of imagined things
some good
many wild and crazy
lumping bits of a life lived
with what's been read in a book
and what's presently real
names are forgotten
unable to find words
a body slipping away

You are beautiful
your soul shines through your eyes
lighting the world around you
You care
with tenderness and humor 
and a wee bit of nudging
You take on more
don't sell yourself short
Your eyes are pools
of kindness and love
and that deep spirit
radiating into the world around you
You are smart
but never make others feel dumb
You have held on 
through the storms
being a pillar 
for those around you 
to cling to
You've held the family 
in the palm of your sweet hands