broken at the outset
stumbling along
trying to find my way
through a deeply broken world
an instrument for loving
used for another's fun
now hides behind the closed door
afraid to let you in
the aching and the yearning
the momentary glimmers
hint at what's beyond here if
the chains would come undone
yearning to be free
to fly high in exultation
soar amongst the lovers
with you held in my arms
alas I'm stuck inside here
no clues unlock that door
a shadow of the bright child
whose life was left undone

a rainstorm
quenches the thirst
of the parched land
the change in the air
is palpable
a relaxing
sigh of relief
all seems quieter
cool misty mornings
afternoons warmed
by the sun
calling for one
to bask in the caress
rather than hide
crisp, chilly evenings
yesterday
the equinox
and its official
fall is here

Some days are meant for remembering
I awoke late this morning
after a restless night's sleep
a glance at my Facebook wall
revealed a two-year-old picture
my mom had shared
of our family with Jason
at the Cascade Aids walk.

Morning
feeling poised on the edge
wandering
watering plants
taking in nature
trying to find peace
instead
this feeling

Our home sits at the top of a long sloping hill. In front of the house is a steep area. The previous owners put down weed block and covered the hill in lavender. It's beautiful, but I don't like weed block. It suffocates the soil and doesn't allow the natural flow of nutrients. It also meant anything in the way of wood chips ended up at the bottom of the area. It was also almost impossible to navigate.

Dear Reader,

I have a confession to make. I come, and I go. I share and then disappear. Sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it.

You see, I struggle with what seems are inner demons - those voices inside telling me I'm bad, useless, a failure. Hmmm, that's not even accurate.

choice points
those moments
every day
live or die
care for self
throw it all away
forge ahead
give it all up
create beauty

As a young newlywed, I kept a spotless home. Every evening we'd have a beverage or two after dinner. When we'd finish, I'd get up and wash up the glasses, so the house returned to its clean state of perfection. One evening, my husband turned to me, "Stop it! Sit down and relax!" And I did.

Yup, it's going to be a rant.

This morning I opened my email to find this quote by Simon Sinek. "Excitement comes from the achievement. Fulfillment comes from the journey that got us there." And, I had an instant "Aha" moment. I realized my current challenge. I've been asking myself, "What is my purpose" and feeling frustrated. I've been doing it all wrong.