They told me it would be like this. Body declining. Fewer and fewer of those we love in the here and now. Life becoming narrower. But, I never believed them.

I mean it's true. We can have days when the darkness settles, clouds are heavy both outdoors and in my mind. I can feel the weight of it, the texture of darkness painted on my bones.

But I've learned. Not to let the darkness overwhelm me. Instead, learn to move in the dark. It may not be like spring and youth and oh-so-alive. But it's still movement.

Soft and slow. Create. Clear. Learn. Surrender.

she's a wild one
the hag
no being lead around by the nose
that one
she'll lead you on a merry chase
draw you into the puzzle in your mind
ask you to solve the thing
you've been pondering
she holds the space
locks the door
turns down the lights
you
sit in wonder
wandering in the liminal spaces
not sure how you got here
but you know
this is the sacred center
of the earth
of your self
of it All
this is the place
where questions and answers are born
split-aparts
sent off into the universe

softening the edges
letting the sun warm
these travel weary bones

softening the edges
letting in the music
songs opening doors

softening the edges
letting the shoulders ease
it'll be okay

softening the edges
reaching out a hand
accept the gifts shared

softening the edges
letting in the love
heart opening, smile grows

Photo credit: Author

We buried Dottie today. She was Mom’s dog. She got her as a young puppy from the Humane Society. My grandson Kaleb chose her name based on the red dots in her long white hair, many of which only showed up when she’d been groomed.

She was Mom’s sidekick for many years. For the most part, where Mom went, Dottie went. Work, travel, you name it. And when Mom moved in with us towards the end of her life, Dottie came with her.

Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

Content Warning: Suicide and Grief

Watching Y&R tonight
Standing on a ledge
Chelsea kisses Billy on the cheek
tells him he's a good guy
says "Tell Connor I slipped"
she jumps
the screen goes black

Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash

can you feel it
the crumbling
the disintegration
it's like dots
on the screen of life
are suddenly disorganized
slowly dropping off
into nothingness

Remembered tenderness
Gently rubbing lotion
on her hands
her face
her lips
caressing her cheek
love embodied
connection

I can love
Deeply

I can connect
Completely

I hold the key
Surrender